Summer Rerun–Dealing with “that” kid
You know who I am talking about. Its that kid that keeps you awake at night. The one that makes you shake in fear. The one that, every time you have youth group, annoys you beyond belief. Its the kid that was, well, like me.
I was “That Kid.” I was the kid who hung from the chandelier in my house. I chased a kid around with an axe at daycare. I made fun of my new youth minister for being from Kentucky by explaining electricity and indoor plumbing*. Yeah, I still get comments from former Sunday School teachers who say, “You’re a youth minister?” and they can’t stop laughing. I drove them all up a wall!
Who “that” kid is varies from ministry to ministry, and even year to year. Sometimes its the super-hyper-active one who seems like they’ve been mainlining redbull and mountain dew. Sometimes its the weird guy that has zero social skills (and zero grooming skills). Sometimes its the girl who has more drama than a Shakespeare festival. Whatever the issues, these are the young people that we keep at arms length because they drive us nuts.
We all have those students in our ministry. The question is, what do we do with them? Thankfully for me (and for some of you as well!) many someones didn’t keep me at arms length, and instead saw the potential I had for God’s kingdom. Many of these EGRs (Extra Grace Required) kids are simply bundles of potential waiting to be released for the Kingdom of God. At the very least, they are young people who are loved by God and need to be afforded the same by us.
So how do you handle “That” kid? Here are 7 tips to help you deal with that EGR –
1. Love them – Everyone needs to be loved, but it seems like “that” kid needs just a little bit extra love. Establish boundaries (because the EGR kid usually has no concept of societal norms or boundaries), but show these students love. Your dealings with them shouldn’t be out of duty, otherwise you’ll drain quickly or come to resent them. But if we do it out of love, we quickly come to see them as Jesus sees them and are much more likely to minister to them effectively.
2. Be willing to invest – “That” kid is often a long term project. You can’t spout some magic words and see that they’re suddenly “normal.” Instead, it could be a long 7 years (if you start with them as a 6th grader) of investing and giving to see them come to fruition. I think many of us in ministry gravitate towards the “easy” kids, the good church kids who act normal, who can relate to us fairly easily, who answer the questions with the proper church answers, and who don’t really challenge us. As with many things in life though, the best things don’t come easily.
3. Go to the root – These kids have issues that need to be dealt with. Some are seemingly minor, like just never having been modeled proper behavior. Some are extremely serious, like abuse. Either way, you need to deal with the root issues to get them to move beyond it. This doesn’t mean you have to psycho-analyze them, but you need to recognize that there are reasons that students act the way they do.
4. Think Long Term – Similar to #2, but this falls more under the “Be Patient” mindset. They will challenge your patience! But, if you are worried less on how they are acting in the here and now and focusing on a finished product many years down the road, it will help you not go crazy.
5. Look for the positives – These kids are often told all the negatives that they possess. Its no wonder they act the way they do! It becomes a feed-back loop of bad behavior. They often don’t know the positives they possess. If you can bring out their good qualities, their gifts from God, and other ways God has made them you will start to see them acting in a more positive way. Not always (go back to previous point), but it will start to shine through. Let them know that they can make a positive difference for God’s kingdom, and be specific. Incidentally, this will often change YOUR view of the student as well.
6. Channel energy – A stick of dynamite in the wrong situation will cause a lot of destruction. Used in the right way it is very useful. The same goes for these kids. Most EGRs are high energy students. If you let them go, they can cause a lot of destruction. But focused and channeled correctly, you will find that they can and will do a lot of good.
7. Celebrate victories – These kids often haven’t had much to celebrate in their lives. When they are successful, celebrate with them. It may just be a pat on the back saying, “Good job!” but it will be meaningful to them.
These are not “7 Easy Steps to turn ‘That’ kid into Billy Graham.” Nothing is easy about this process, and its really not about the end product anyways. It is about finding the value in each student, even the difficult one, seeing that God has a purpose for them, and then releasing them to make a difference in God’s kingdom.
How do you deal with ‘That’ student?
* – Irony of ironies, after making fun of said youth minister (who also became an important mentor in my life, and even officiated my wedding), I went to an even more rural part of Kentucky to minister for 3 years. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
