Parents helping Parents
One of things that we as youth ministers often have to do is counsel parents and their teens when problems come up. We’re the “Resident Expert” in all things teen at the church, so obviously we have all the answers, right? Of course an unmarried 23 year old who up until 5 months ago lived with his parents has all the answers on how to parent a teenager! Wait, hold on a minute…on second thought, I wouldn’t have trusted my 23 year old self on advice on how to raise a goldfish, let alone a teenager. Now that I am 31 years old and a parent of 2 toddlers, I KNOW that I don’t know anything about raising teenagers. I am barely surviving getting these kids to their teenage years.
Before I get my fellow youth ministers all in an uproar, I do think that we can provide valuable counseling. We do work with teens and should have some idea on culture, behavior, and Biblical ideas. We can give parents a good nudge in the right direction, but unless you’ve actually parented a teen I don’t think you can give expert opinion on how to raise them.
So, what do we do? Do we shove the parents out the door, wash our hands of them, and order them to never darken our office again? Of course not.
Instead, the best counsel for parents and teens in crisis is other parents who have been through the exact same thing. For example, I wouldn’t know all the parents are going through if they found out their kid was using drugs. But, there are likely parents in your church who have been through that, and could guide others through the murky waters. At the very least, they could be a shoulder to cry on when times get tough. This also gets the body of Christ working together to help each other out, and not just “The Minister” swooping in and solving all the problems. It’s not that you CAN’T do it, its just that this would be so much better.
To do this, you need to first of all gather a list of issues and parents who have been through it. Some of these you will already know if you’ve been at the church for any time. Some other people on your team will know. Some, though, will have kept it secret and will be VERY reticent about having their struggles become common knowledge. So, you might have to make a general plea to the church, with the understanding that this list will remain confidential. Chances are most people who come to you won’t want their problems broadcast (on either side), so you’ll have to come up with a way to connect the two sets of parents confidentially (I’ll address this more in a bit).
Once you have the list, you just need to wait. I would promote this to the church at large by saying, “If you are a parent in need of advice or help in these issues, you can see one of the ministers and we’ll connect you with a parent who has been through the battles.” Chances are you’ll have parents coming out of the woodwork who are struggling! So be prepared. Also, every few months connect with those on the list to make sure they’re doing ok, and always be on the lookout for people to add.
What these parents do really varies. The parents are not likely trained counselors but they’ve been through the real deal. It depends a lot on the situation, the two parties, and how they wish to proceed. It could be something as simple as a one time exchange of information, to a more of a support/sympathy role, to a mentor type situation. Allow for flexibility because no two people are alike and no two problems are alike. You are just wanting to connect people – what they do after that is up to them. I also believe that the more flexibility you allow will give your parents more ability to really minister.
Regarding confidentiality, I have not found the perfect balance for this. There has to be a level of trust that comes along with this for both the advisors and advisees. Both sides likely have lots of things that would make prime gossip, and even though no one in the church ever gossips (I couldn’t even say that sarcastically without gagging), it is a risk. Naturally, you would be the gatekeeper, referring parents to the proper people. You might even want to sit in on the initial meeting just to make sure everything comes along comfortably. Make sure both parties understand the importance of confidentiality, and then let them go.
If we want to multiply our ministry, we need to help parents be better parents. To do that, we can’t do it alone. We need to partner with others to be most effective.
